Embracing Darkness: An Necessary Component of Self-Acceptance

Last week I invited a good friend of mine over for some Chinese food, wine, and the documentary on Amy Winehouse.  Waking up the next morning, I realized just how deeply affected I was by her story and more specifically by her relationship with her dark side.  Having suffered from an eating disorder in combination with excessive drinking for many of my younger years, I too have a similar darkness, but it hasn’t been until recently (and after serious therapy) I have come to explore and embrace all parts of myself.

There are always two sides to the coin, to the yin and yang, and one without the other offsets the balance.  When I reflect on Amy’s story, I am astonished by her talent and how her unique gift was to share her darkness through lyric and song.  She had a keen ability to tap into her inner wisdom and shed light on her internal struggles in such a resourceful and insightful way.  Many people, however, ignore or repress their dark side, for it is scary, angry, embarrassing, overwhelming or jealous.  And yet in my experience it is also creative, beautiful, soulful, artistic, and honest.  In order to accept ourselves, we must meet and make peace with our dark side, and perhaps in the long run even use it to shine brighter in the world.

For example…I know I can be fiery, intense, and downright challenging sometimes. And yet that also comes across as passionate, driven, and courageous when channeled appropriately. When our darkness is unconscious, we don’t have much control over how it rears its ugly head. When we bring those parts of ourselves into our awareness, we can begin to understand our desires, impulses, and patterns.

When we understand our patterns we can alter them positively or use them strategically.

So how do we get in touch with these parts of ourselves? First – when feeling down, low, depressed and dark – take a look around and allow yourself to immerse into the experience. Draw, write, dance, or tap into your creativity during your dark times. Don’t shame yourself for feeling low, it’s part of the human experience. Note: If your depression continues or hinders your ability to get out of bed, eat, or ensure basic safety needs are met, please do reach out for additional support.

In what ways have self-destruction and self-sabotaging behaviors impacted your life? How do you talk to yourself when no one is listening? What patterns and habits are you engaging in that are no longer serving you well? In what ways have you hurt others? What parts of your personality do you perceive as undesirable? This is all information that can provide insight into your darkness. But as you discover these parts – be careful to remember WE ALL have a dark side. We all have things we wish were different about ourselves. But without our darkness, we wouldn’t be our whole and true authentic selves. So, rather than trying to change it, or repress it, I would encourage us all to greet it with a gentle and curious nature. Why is it there? How does it help us? My fiery nature keeps me moving forward, constantly growing, and able to defend myself. That’s not all bad is it? This is a process and takes time but if you have even taken the step to consider your darkness, you are well on your way to acceptance!

I want to hear from you…How does your darkness help and hinder you? What creative forces emerge from your darkness? What ways have you been able to channel these parts of yourself?

Take care of yourselves and therefore each other,

XO brooke jean

The 4 Myths of Happiness

Prior to entering the field of counseling, I wholeheartedly believed that the ultimate goal in life was to be happy. Upon further reflection I began to ask myself questions such as “What does happy look and feel like?” and “How do I know when I have achieved HAPPINESS?” Paired with years of my own personal struggles, I began to wonder if there was something wrong with me that I usually didn’t start each day happy. On the contrary, I usually wake up relatively grumpy, refusing to get out of bed and face the day. I snooze for at least thirty minutes and throw a full blown adult fit on my way to the shower (usually bumping into a wall or two on the way). It isn’t until I have had my coffee or tea and arrived wherever it is I need to be that I actually accept the day.

Learning different methodologies for helping people in the counseling realm led me to ACT – Acceptance & Commitment Therapy. This is a mindfulness based therapy that helps folks leverage being present to defuse from negative thoughts, images and feelings.  What I was particularly drawn to was the philosophy of this model which acknowledges that we cannot control our thoughts and feelings and that our brains have evolved to sense and avoid danger.  This is why we worry.  Russ Harris who shares the ideas of Steven Hayes (one of the ACT founders) in one of my favorite books The Happiness Trap:  How to Stop Struggling and Start Living points out that there are 4 myths of happiness…so enjoy!

1. Happiness is the natural state for all human beings.  Research actually demonstrates the opposite.  Unfortunately, one in ten adults will attempt suicide and one in five will suffer from depression.  Most of us are thinking that everyone around us is waking up happy each day, but that is not the case….you are not alone.

2. If you’re not happy, you’re defective.  This one hits home for me.  I have spent half my life trying to alter my life to be happy, read a million self-help books, exercised, partied, went to places I enjoy – all to still wake up cranky the next morning.  In our culture we avoid suffering and deem it problematic and abnormal.  It is judged.  It is not accepted and yet it is INEVITABLE.  And I happen to believe that from our suffering we grow, we become more connected to ourselves and to what matters most.  If you are unhappy, worried, stressed, anxious, and ready to defend yourself…your mind is doing exactly what it has evolved to do, you are not defective.

3. To create a better life, we must get rid of negative thinking.  Life is all about balance.  I invite feelings of happiness, contentment, excitement, and joy into my life and yours.  And I do experience all of these almost everyday, usually later in the day.  However, to create the life you want, you must prepare for challenging thoughts and feelings.  Take relationships for example…at times you will feel connected, loved, and happy.  At other points you may feel scared, unhappy, and frustrated.  That is OK and completely normal, we just don’t speak about it as often as we showcase our high points in life.

4. You should be able to control what you think and feel.  By trying to get rid of negative thinking you are only going to feel like a failure when you realize that you cannot control your thoughts or feelings, which then perpetuates the negative feelings.  You may ask yourself, “Why can’t I just get over it and be happy?”  Then  you shame yourself for not being able to do so.  How many of you have tried to get that memory, image, or negative thought out of your mind and have been successful at it??  You might be able to distract yourself temporarily to get rid of it, yet it most likely comes back.  And who has time to constantly remain distracted?  When we are avoiding painful thoughts and feeling with things like avoidance and distraction, we are also blocking the positive thoughts and feelings, pulling us away from living a rich and meaningful life.

Rather than trying to control our thoughts and emotions, I would suggest inviting them in, making space for them, creating peace with them – you just may find that they are not as powerful as we have perceived them to be.  What we can control is our actions and how we respond to both positive and negative emotions.  Take a breath, observe your thoughts and know what you’re brain is just doing what it evolved to do…nothing is wrong with you…suffering is part of life.

I want to hear from you!  Have you tried to control your thoughts and feelings?  What was that like?  Have you fallen prey to the happiness myths and in what ways?

Take care of yourselves and therefore each other,

XO brooke jean

New Year’s Resolutions (Minus the Pressure & Guilt)

As 2015 comes to a close and we prepare for great things in 2016, it is important to make time for reflection and to establish goals in a mindful way.  I have developed a New Year’s Day ritual that includes a good work out followed by a good sweaty meditation in the steam room.  I start the year off by doing something loving to and for myself.  Read on for tips on how set goals for the New Year without pressure, guilt or shame:

1.  It’s all about reflection – careful reflection that is.  Looking back on 2015, what were your highlights?  Ask yourself what you were able to do in regards to your personal growth, what you did for fun, in relationships, for you health?  When did you feel connected, happy, and content?  Write out the feelings, thoughts, and experiences that surrounded those highlights and look for themes.  Odds are….these are themes you can celebrate and will want to maintain for next year.  On the flip side, what challenged you or pulled you from your values?  What goals did you set last year that you did not accomplish.  IMPORTANT!!!!  Do not feel guilt or shame for not accomplishing them…just be gently curious about why.  Perhaps it wasn’t that important after all, which is helpful information to your self, so no time lost.  Perhaps it challenged you due to fear which now that you are aware of that, you can tackle it head on.  Again…sounds perfectly productive to me.  The point here is to gain self-knowledge so the new goals can be more fitting, meaningful and achievable.

2.  Do a quick scan on how connected you are to your values.  When was the last time you gave yourself the time and space to determine what your core values are?  And how are you living those core values in your daily life?  For example, if health is a core value but you are struggling to maintain emotional and physical health due to your busy schedule, it’s time to get real and make room in your schedule and pocketbook for that therapy session, massage, physical, dentist appointment, hike or dance class.  A tool that I have found extremely helpful for myself as well as my clients is the value sort…go ahead and Google it.

3.  After reflecting on last year, and reconnecting to your values, I encourage you to take a look at the total picture when setting goals. There are many facets to wellness and we are usually more drawn to some over others, and usually for good reason.  But examine all the buckets:  Health/ Relationships/ Connection/ Pleasure/ Work/ Purpose/ Community.  This is not to set 652 goals – again we are trying to avoid feeling bad about what we do not accomplish.  It’s more about taking a balanced approach to your goals.  If all your goals are work oriented, you are placing a great deal of pressure on yourself, and some that is out of your control…that is a TRAP!  If your only goal is to lose weight, again…I sense you may be in the same spot next year, only feeling worse.  How we set goals is also important leading to the next tip…

4.  Set diverse and manageable goals.  Break down the larger goal into achievable parts.  Only bite off one or two at a time not all seven or eight.  Based on what you came up with for all the parts of wellness, prioritize the top two and break them down into weekly, monthly, and quarterly goals.  Remember it takes at least 16 weeks for actions to become habits, and when we bite off more than we can chew, we tend to make it a month or two and then give up.  Diversity keeps things fun and different.

5.  Share your goals with others and celebrate with them when you make even the slightest movement in the direction you are wanting to go.  I have found that people leave this piece out.  Having goals can be so lonely at times.  We are hesitant to share goals for fear of embarrassment if we fail or judgement.  This also allows us to throw in the towel sooner because hey…no one knew I was working on this anyway!  Share!!!  Be vulnerable and see the support that comes to you.  Don’t you cheer on your clan??  They’ll most likely do the same for you.  And when you approach the haters…well…we all know what to do about them.  We know they are just going through their own stuff.

6.  Don’t think in absolutes.  Black and white goal planning and follow up is DANGEROUS.  We do not live in an all or nothing world so why is it we expect all or nothing when we are trying to achieve our goals?  If you decided to order a pizza and drink a couple glasses of wine instead of working out and doing homework – who cares?  It’s what you needed in the moment – trust your intuition and most important – DO NOT SHAME yourself for it.  At least enjoy it mindfully, you owe at least that to the pizza.

7.  Now and each moment, day, week, month, and year going forward – do your best to remain PRESENT.  If you spend your life planning and wishing, you are missing out on the rich opportunities that are emerging in each moment.  If you can’t enjoy the now, how can you be certain you’ll enjoy yourself more when you achieve something?  The truth is, you are amazing just as you are right now, without changing or making any resolutions.  This leads me to what I hope is your only resolution:  TO LOVE & ACCEPT MYSELF!

My next post and many more to come will provide information on how to do just that so stay tuned.  In the meantime I would love to hear from you!  How do you reflect and set mindful goals?  Do you feel guilt over not achieving?  What works?  What does not?

Take care of yourselves and therefore each other,

XO brooke jean

The 4 Myths of Happiness (Copy)

Hello! (In my best Adele voice) Thank you for visiting my blog and reading my VERY first blog post. I am beyond thrilled to share my journey and learning’s with each and every one of you. I had no idea how important connecting to my purpose was until recently when graduation and opening my private counseling and coaching practice came to fruition. Many twists and turns in my life led me to this point…the point of living my purpose of healing and helping others. There is something spiritually meaningful about knowing deep in your soul you are on the right path and feeling that what you are doing is significant. But how did I get here??? It certainly wasn’t a clear and easy road.

Growing up, I tended to be a caretaker.  Being the first born of three children, I had the opportunity and duty to help take care of my siblings.  When my sister was born with a brain tumor, our lives were turned upside down.  I realized at the tender age of eight years old just how precious life was, and also how fortunate I was to have my health.  Witnessing my younger sister’s strength (along with my families’) to overcome major health obstacles, I became inspired by how happy this little girl could be while suffering and fighting for her life.

On the darker side, and yes I believe there is almost always a darker side to things, I developed an intense pressure within myself to not be a problem adding to the family distress. This self-discipline (it was not expected of me, I solely created it) evolved into a perfectionist, people pleasing personality which led to many more problems down the road. I did well in school, impressed people socially, and was active in extracurricular activities. That was until middle school – when my organic development (searching for my identity) collided with my anger turned inward – where things started going downhill. As my heath began to deteriorate with an eating disorder, my sister’s health was much better and she was stable. Life is all about balance, isn’t it?

As I began to recover and was back on track in high school, my brother was facing serious struggles. Thinking back, my parents really never got a break. It’s not my place to share his story in detail but let’s just say he is a warrior in his own right and we all learned just how important mental health is.

In college, I became pregnant with my son. What a blessing and surprise that was. I would have been on the ten year plan and was having a little TOO much fun. Cleaning up my act, I wanted to graduate on time, and have a steady job lined up beforehand. That is how I ended up being a leader at Target. They had a paid internship and in that experience I saw a reliable career that could support my son and I (his father and I parted ways when I was pregnant and have co-parented ever since.)

Ten years climbing the corporate ladder flew by in a blink of an eye, and my son was growing up way too fast. I met my husband at Target and life was looking up. Everyone’s health was intact (for the most part) and life was unfolding as it was supposed to. My career however took a toll on me. The people pleaser in me did not know how to say “No” and was trying to prove my worth through work accomplishments. When paired with the skeletons and demons whom I had locked in my closet, the scenario led to a severe case of burn out, among other things.

Many of you probably know about and have been affected by the horrendous Aurora theater shootings which occurred across the street from the Target store I managed. Many of our team members were in the theater that night and, devastatingly, we lost one of us that night. Witnessing the grief, confusion, fear, anger, strength and resilience of the community reconnected me to my personal values and desire to help others in a different way than being a leader for a retail organization.
My heart was broken but my natural response during this crisis was to tend to my team’s wounds and in those dark moments my purpose emerged like the sun rising.

I knew I wanted more out of my life and that many things needed to change. I needed to define my worth in ways that were authentic to me, not based on my work performance. I needed to get into therapy and tend to my own lifelong wounds. I needed to be a better example to my son regarding taking care of myself and the world deserved my gifts that were being hidden by my insecurity.
Bravely, I decided to make the move. Leaving Target, because of the people I so dearly loved, was one of the toughest decisions I have ever made. I was known by many and made a good living. BUT my work didn’t have the type of meaning I so desired and longed for. I needed to create balance in my life and starting over felt like the best (and scariest) way how.

I applied for graduate school to get my Masters in Counseling at Regis University and 2.5 years later here we are. What a journey academically and self-reflectively it has been. I am forever transformed and so absolutely clear with who I am (although I will always be a work in progress), what gems I offer the universe and what my purpose is.

Now I get to pay it forward. I get to guide others in finding their authenticity and shining organically in the world. I have the privilege of being with human beings as they work through the deepest parts of themselves while digging to find their gold. I get to reconnect people to their individual values and help them live in a more present and meaningful way.
You will find that many of my blog posts will be true to my story, vulnerable and real, while also providing some information and tips on how to become the best you.

I would love to hear from you! What’s your story? And how has it connected you to your purpose? What wellness tips are you most interested in? Please do always share your thoughts, feelings, and feedback with me.

Take care of yourselves and therefore each other,

XO brooke jean