Get Real, Get Clear, and Get Connected!!
Today I wanted to share my 3-step process to crushing your goals, resolutions and intentions for the New Year.
Happy New Year! I hope you all had an awesome holiday and if you’re anything like me, you’re back into the grind of January.
Today I wanted to share my 3-step process to crushing your goals, resolutions and intentions for the New Year. I love the energy around the new year, the commitment to self-reflection and what we want to change and shift going forward.
But, I’ve noticed, we are all super passionate right out of the gates about our resolutions, and just a couple of weeks in, we lose our steam, we lose our momentum, you begin to notice the gym isn’t as packed, and you notice that your new routine was already tossed out the window.
Year after year we set the same resolutions and goals, just to get discouraged….which does not help us feel any better about ourselves.
So…here’s why I think that happens and how we can change this vicious cycle for once and for all!
Whether your New Year’s resolution was to lose weight, quit drinking, or improve intimacy in your relationship, this 3-step process applies.
Step 1…GET REAL! This is all about being really honest with yourself. Ask yourself what is the pattern or behavior you want to change? Then, begin to break that down. When are you finding yourself in the fridge looking for sugar? This is going to require some mindfulness. Slowing down and taking a look at the landscape surrounding you. As you are reaching for that 3rd drink, what are your feelings, your thoughts, and what happened in your day? Perhaps you had a stressful day which triggers your desire to reach for that unhealthy coping mechanism.
And MOST IMPORTANT is asking yourself what’s underneath this behavior or pattern that you want to change?
Typically, under the drinking, drugging, cheating, gambling, eating too much, or shopping too much is an unhealed wound. We are engaging in this behavior to nurse ourselves, to survive, to feel better. But the reason we are unsuccessful in changing the behavior and following through on our resolution is not due to a lack of will power or strength, its because we are addressing the symptom rather than the root cause.
Once we are honest with ourselves about the real thing that needs to be addressed then it’s time to:
Step 2…GET CLEAR! The purpose of this step is to develop an understanding of what has been going on, and for how long. To ignite self-acceptance and compassion. To analyze what we have done to change that works and does not work, and to build authentic motivation to change.
So here are a couple questions to ask yourself. How long have you been suffering with this (you fill in the blank…drinking problem, promiscuity, spending habit, etc.)? What’s working and what’s not working? My guess is year after year you make changing this pattern your resolution and IT’S NOT WORKING!!! Who are you doing this for? If you are wanting to change for anyone other than yourself, you are less likely to succeed. What would life be like if you were to finally address the root cause, and heal your wounds?
Wounds underneath maladaptive behaviors might be grief over a lost loved one or a lost marriage, trauma, low self-worth based on things the adults in your life said to you growing up, guilt and shame over past actions, a negative belief you have about yourself and so much more. Carrying these wounds around are like carrying a heavy bag of metal. Its effects our ability to be ourselves, our belief that we can achieve our dreams, how we connect with others, and pretty much every aspect of our lives.
So ask yourself again…what would life be like if you could finally put the bag of metal down and be free of these wounds?
You’ll probably have a lot more energy to actually drive meaningful change in your life.
Step 3…GET CONNECTED! If you are trying to resolve your problems alone, its most-likely not working. Just gonna be honest here folks. And here’s why. Not sharing your struggles keeps you in a shame cycle. And shame is also like a bag of heavy metal. It also avoids having an accountability partner. Who’s going to support you on this journey? Who’s going to help you problem-solve when you fall off?
We have to reach out!
Just by sharing your story and your wound with one other human being can immediately release the shame around it, lifting the heavy bag of metal and allowing you some different options.
This is where having a counselor and coach can be invaluable.
Join a support group.
There is power in numbers and you are definitely not alone.
We all turn to unhealthy behaviors at times in our lives to band-aid pain. I did for many, many years.
But its your turn to heal once and for all, to be able to truly make change happen in your life.
Contact me for any questions or if you are in need of support.
Let’s make 2017 the year we GET REAL, GET CLEAR, AND GET CONNECTED!
Take care of yourselves and therefore each other,
XO brooke jean
New Year’s Resolutions (Minus the Pressure & Guilt)
Read on for tips on how set goals for the New Year without pressure, guilt or shame:
As 2015 comes to a close and we prepare for great things in 2016, it is important to make time for reflection and to establish goals in a mindful way. I have developed a New Year’s Day ritual that includes a good work out followed by a good sweaty meditation in the steam room. I start the year off by doing something loving to and for myself. Read on for tips on how set goals for the New Year without pressure, guilt or shame:
1. It’s all about reflection – careful reflection that is. Looking back on 2015, what were your highlights? Ask yourself what you were able to do in regards to your personal growth, what you did for fun, in relationships, for you health? When did you feel connected, happy, and content? Write out the feelings, thoughts, and experiences that surrounded those highlights and look for themes. Odds are….these are themes you can celebrate and will want to maintain for next year. On the flip side, what challenged you or pulled you from your values? What goals did you set last year that you did not accomplish. IMPORTANT!!!! Do not feel guilt or shame for not accomplishing them…just be gently curious about why. Perhaps it wasn’t that important after all, which is helpful information to your self, so no time lost. Perhaps it challenged you due to fear which now that you are aware of that, you can tackle it head on. Again…sounds perfectly productive to me. The point here is to gain self-knowledge so the new goals can be more fitting, meaningful and achievable.
2. Do a quick scan on how connected you are to your values. When was the last time you gave yourself the time and space to determine what your core values are? And how are you living those core values in your daily life? For example, if health is a core value but you are struggling to maintain emotional and physical health due to your busy schedule, it’s time to get real and make room in your schedule and pocketbook for that therapy session, massage, physical, dentist appointment, hike or dance class. A tool that I have found extremely helpful for myself as well as my clients is the value sort…go ahead and Google it.
3. After reflecting on last year, and reconnecting to your values, I encourage you to take a look at the total picture when setting goals. There are many facets to wellness and we are usually more drawn to some over others, and usually for good reason. But examine all the buckets: Health/ Relationships/ Connection/ Pleasure/ Work/ Purpose/ Community. This is not to set 652 goals – again we are trying to avoid feeling bad about what we do not accomplish. It’s more about taking a balanced approach to your goals. If all your goals are work oriented, you are placing a great deal of pressure on yourself, and some that is out of your control…that is a TRAP! If your only goal is to lose weight, again…I sense you may be in the same spot next year, only feeling worse. How we set goals is also important leading to the next tip…
4. Set diverse and manageable goals. Break down the larger goal into achievable parts. Only bite off one or two at a time not all seven or eight. Based on what you came up with for all the parts of wellness, prioritize the top two and break them down into weekly, monthly, and quarterly goals. Remember it takes at least 16 weeks for actions to become habits, and when we bite off more than we can chew, we tend to make it a month or two and then give up. Diversity keeps things fun and different.
5. Share your goals with others and celebrate with them when you make even the slightest movement in the direction you are wanting to go. I have found that people leave this piece out. Having goals can be so lonely at times. We are hesitant to share goals for fear of embarrassment if we fail or judgement. This also allows us to throw in the towel sooner because hey…no one knew I was working on this anyway! Share!!! Be vulnerable and see the support that comes to you. Don’t you cheer on your clan?? They’ll most likely do the same for you. And when you approach the haters…well…we all know what to do about them. We know they are just going through their own stuff.
6. Don’t think in absolutes. Black and white goal planning and follow up is DANGEROUS. We do not live in an all or nothing world so why is it we expect all or nothing when we are trying to achieve our goals? If you decided to order a pizza and drink a couple glasses of wine instead of working out and doing homework – who cares? It’s what you needed in the moment – trust your intuition and most important – DO NOT SHAME yourself for it. At least enjoy it mindfully, you owe at least that to the pizza.
7. Now and each moment, day, week, month, and year going forward – do your best to remain PRESENT. If you spend your life planning and wishing, you are missing out on the rich opportunities that are emerging in each moment. If you can’t enjoy the now, how can you be certain you’ll enjoy yourself more when you achieve something? The truth is, you are amazing just as you are right now, without changing or making any resolutions. This leads me to what I hope is your only resolution: TO LOVE & ACCEPT MYSELF!
My next post and many more to come will provide information on how to do just that so stay tuned. In the meantime I would love to hear from you! How do you reflect and set mindful goals? Do you feel guilt over not achieving? What works? What does not?