Marriage isn’t always full of honeymoon bliss or a fairytale all the time like we’ve read in books or seen on TV. In those dog days of raising kiddos it can be so easy to play the blame game or completely ignore your partner. But when we choose to change our mindset, a beautiful newfound love with that partner can begin.

This week’s episode gives me a tingling feeling up my neck, eek! It’s so present and relevant for me right now. I’m talking about intimate relationships, and marriage. Specifically why the fricken’ heck marriage is so hard - particularly in a season of life as those high-achieving, high-performing (often anxious on the recovery journey of some kind) usually anxiety and perfectionism working mamas. We’re trying to build businesses or grow careers while raising our families at home. And then here we are also in a long-term relationship.

And if you’re not in one, I’m not trying to scare you off, I just want to normalize the normal, which is right now, and marriage can feel really, really hard.

I’ve been married 10 years and I’ve been with my partner, Tony, for 20 years this November. Like WOAHHHH. Anyways, we met when my son was just under a year old, both working at target, both managers at the same store. And honestly, it’s crazy how we met because my first assignment out of college was in a town called Longmont, Colorado. I’d never heard of this place. Well low and behold Tony and a bestie decided to move to a town in Colorado because they loved the mountains, wanted access to a bigger city, you know - all the things. And that town was…Longmont.

So, long story short, we hit it off pretty quickly, but when we met I was still pretty heartbroken over my son’s father. My friendship with Tony continued to grow and develop and then one night after a few drinks, we confessed our feelings for each other. It was quite the memorable night - I’ll just say that and the rest is history.

Of course, the beginning of our relationship was tough because I came into it with some baggage, we were raising my son, and had to deal with co-parenting with my son’s father. It was a lot. Also, for those going through a separation, divorce or are co-parenting, let me just tell you it does get better, hang in there. ;) 

During this time we were able to have date night once a week because my son went to his dad’s. It was fun and much needed for us. Fast forward eight years later to 2012, we got married and then a few years later we had our daughter. We were much older, grandparents weren’t close enough to help, we didn’t have a nanny or know really good babysitters and so we weren’t able to have date night like we had been doing. 

Thanks to postpartum depression and anxiety, combined with not having that quality time with my partner - things got really hard. I mean marriage has always been hard, but it’s been even harder since we had our daughter.

And so with that, I’ve become more curious about figuring out, or really trying to understand, what we’re struggling with, why we are, and what’s going to help us. It’s been a powerful journey of trying to empower myself with this understanding of myself and who I am in relationships. 

Disclaimer: I am by no means a marriage and family expert. I don’t have it all figured out. BUT I’m doing the work. I’m invested in the work.

I’ve discovered a ton along the way and want to share a little bit of it with you today. Now again, this is what I’ve found helpful and it may or may not work for you - and that’s okay. 

4 Reasons Why the Struggle is SO real with Long-Term Partnerships and Marriage

1. Our partners are mirrors for us and the work that we need to do within ourselves and…ouch - they're gonna show up to mirror for you the parts of you that are ready to heal and that need the most growth. This one is hard, and it’s not going to feel great, but the growth is worth it! 

2. We choose a partner thinking they’re going to make the pain go away, that they’ll save the day

3. The relationship is a living, breathing entity that needs nurturing and nourishment - it takes time, energy and effort in order to thrive or even just sustain the good, bad, and the ugly. (aka the dog days of parenting)

4. What modeling did we have? - What we’ve seen our parents do, may not work for us. They did things differently back in their day, and that’s okay. We can do things differently than they did. I think our generation is learning to heal from a bunch of generational trauma. 

So what the heck do we do? I think the first thing we need to do is just name it. When we name it, marriage is hard in this season, and we normalize that, it immediately takes a layer of shame and pressure off of it. And let me just say this…

Just because marriage is hard doesn’t meant mean we’re doing it wrong. 
Just because marriage is hard doesn’t meant mean I don’t love my partner.
Just because marriage is hard doesn’t meant mean I have to get a divorce.
Just because marriage is hard doesn’t mean we’re a failure. 
Just because marriage is hard doesn’t meant mean that I’m not lovable and my partner doesn’t love me. 

Like oh my gah, marriage.is.hard. 

The next phase is to talk about it. Be open and honest with your partner. Share with your partner what you’re feeling and how you want to prioritize it. 

If I show up different and I bring more love and more care and more warmth and more energy and more passion to the relationship, that that's gonna have a ripple effect and it's going to get a different result.

On this journey, it starts with just naming the hard thing and then looking in the mirror and starting to take responsibility and then bringing that interest, thought, and intention to the relationship and communicating it to your partner in an open and loving way and then letting them meet you and hold that and hold you.

Now, none of this applies if you're in an abusive relationship. If you're in a toxic and abusive relationship, absolutely none of this applies. This is applying because I’m not in a toxic or an abusive relationship. 

I think you'll be surprised at what that can unlock in terms of starting to rebuild the intimacy and the connection in your marriage or partnership.

Take care of yourselves and therefore each other!

XO, Brooke Jean