Outlier Parenting Podcast Interview

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Take care of yourselves and therefore each other,

XO brooke jean

How to Connect With Your Teenager and Embrace Adolescence

I often hear parents speaking of their teenager in tongues, cursing their names and wishing their adolescent years away.  While I completely understand there are challenges to this phase of their development, we must remember for them, this is the toughest part of growing up.

Adolescent kids are finding their place in the world and figuring out who they are.  They usually do this by sizing themselves up against their peers and friends and by experimenting with styles, language, habits, expression, and the like.  It can be an incredibly confusing time for them, and to top it off, their bodies and voices are changing and their hormones are raging.  Yes, this has the potential to be a shit storm, a shit storm indeed.

However, where I think we get off track as parents is that we assume the worst of this phase; we set ourselves and our kids up to difficult.  We try to control their exploration and disapprove of how they are expressing themselves.  We do this because we are worried and just want the best for our kids, but what we are really doing it putting distance between us and our teenagers.

So what are some ways we can stay connected with our teenagers during this transitionary and changing period of all our lives?  How can we support and nurture our teenager’s journey and help them through this phase?

1. As best as you can, keep the communication channels open.  This may mean knowing their patterns and striking at the best time.  For my son it’s on the 30 minute car ride to school.  He is awake, energized, not yet cantankerous, and I find he has much to say.  Ask questions that not only you are interested in but that you know they like to talk about (video games, their friends, hobbies, animals, sports, their teachers, etc.).  Be an active listener, show genuine interest, and keep your negative comments to yourself (because yes, sometimes what is coming out of their mouth is irrational).

2. Normalize their experience.  Your teenager may be feeling a whirlwind of emotions.  Share with your teenager that you remember what it was like to go through this particular developmental period.  Share your stories to connect with them.  Tell them that it is normal to feel sad, angry, happy, excited, and scared all within 5 minutes, and that their bodies may ache as they are growing.  This can alleviate their instinct to judge their emotions.  And PLEASE people…encourage your boys to cry!  Encourage healthy ways for them to release such as talking, writing, playing music, doing art, and being active outside.  I also found a meditation journal I LOVE that I gave to my son that guides some healthy dialogue.

3. Set aside special time to engage in activities your teenager likes.  If you are feeling like you can’t get more than a one word answer to the question, “How was your day?” then take them on a hike.  Exercise gets teenagers talking.  It’s less intimidating than a serious face to face.  As much as I can’t stand it, I’ll bust out the Wii (is that even how you spell it) for some bowling with my boy.  Teenagers will want to be in their room, on their technology, connected to their friends, which is fine, but we have to set the expectation of family time.  And by doing things they enjoy you’ll get a more positive response.

4. Acknowledge your kiddos unique strengths.  What makes them special?  They need a foundational sense of self and we can help create that.  Embrace and support their uniqueness and interests.  All too often we as parents want specific things for our kids, like for them to be the quarterback or top gymnast, but really what is it THEY like and want.  Turning them into something they authentically are not will only make this period more challenging.  And for the love of Pete – stop trying to live vicariously through your child, it’s not too late for you to join a dance class or volleyball team.

5. Let them make mistakes – they’ll learn the life lessons.  We just went through a tough time with this recently.  We stopped micro-managing our son’s school work and homework.  We let him own his time management and priorities.  It was so hard to watch him struggle!  He became stressed and overwhelmed and my instinct was to rescue him.  But after a couple weeks, he shared with his Dad that he was stressed and emotional.  He told me he needed a little more guidance and follow up.  HE ASKED FOR IT!!  Can you believe it??  What an incredible lesson. He realized that if he is not organized and does not manage his time, he cannot get everything accomplished.  If he does not study he will not do well on the quiz.  And none of this feels good.  So I spent an afternoon sharing with him how I use my planner to organize and spread out my to-do’s, and how I celebrate when I get things done but avoid overloading myself.  Such a fun way to connect.

6. Ask their opinion on stuff…important stuff.  Ask them how they feel about the big things that are going on your life.  Some of the best conversations I have ever had with my son were about important issues and I could tell he felt smart and like a stakeholder in the family.  I am not saying to allow your teenager to call the shots, but hear them out.  They offer an insightful, honest, and interesting perspective.  Deep personal reflection has come from conversations such as these with my son.

7. Check in with yourself.  How are you feeling?  Are you feeling connected?  Are you satisfied with your relationship with your teenager?  Are you burnt out?  Are you emotionally available or unavailable?  We have to take good care of ourselves to be able to last the storm.  By reflecting on our parenting we can make adjustments to what we are doing to strengthen our bond.  We are a work in progress and if we can own our mistakes and show our resilience to our kids, they learn we are only human and so are they.

Enjoy this time with your teenager, for we will never get this time back.  They are trying to figure out who they are and they need us more than ever to support their journey.  Reach out and talk to other moms and dads for support.  Take good care of yourself.  And don’t forget to have fun, because yes, this ride can be ridiculous at times.

Take care of yourselves and therefore each other,

XO brooke jean

Getting Into the Hearts & Heads of the Client

How to get into the Hearts and Heads of the Client

Entering into the field of interior design, I realized quickly that I had an opportunity to leverage my counseling skills when working with our clients.  Whether buying, selling, building or remodeling a home, clients are in transition which is an emotional roller coaster for them.  I have heard many folks talk about how to prospect clients, and how to stay in touch with them after project completion, however how we take care of our clients “in the moment” has an invaluable and long-lasting impact.

We all want to provide a level of service that exceeds our client’s expectations, one that they tell their friends about and come back to us for many years to come.  Read on for some information regarding the psychological experience the client goes through as well as some tools to help you navigate the emotional process and best serve your clients.

What is the Client Psychologically Experiencing?

Clients are in TRANSITION!  They have not closed the chapter on the old, and are not yet settled into the new.  William Bridges would call this the “Neutral Zone.”  Haven’t we all been in that space not knowing how things will turn out?  It’s uncomfortable and some feelings that arise being in the neutral zone are fear, stress, anxiety, powerlessness, frustration, and every other emotion that life brings which will at some point be projected onto the process, project, or you.  We know that clients specifically experience 3 fears:  the fear of making the wrong choice, guilt over extravagance (and I would add shame, some clients internally feel that they DO NOT DESERVE this new home), and fear they are being sold something that is not in their best interest.  Other things to consider are that mood plays a role in how clients experience and perceive what you are presenting to them, color plays a role in regards to emotion, and psychologically it is easier for clients to make multiple payments where the total amount is higher than one lump sum payment.  We also know that when in transition clients become indecisive due to all these feelings and the analyzation that kicks in.

So what can we do to help?
Knowing that our clients might be experiencing some or all of these things, how can we best “show up” for our clients throughout the process to help them manage all these stressors, to ultimately build trust and long-lasting relationships?  It starts with building more than just rapport – the goal is to build an alliance.  Similar to how I begin counseling with a client, creating a safe environment that is built on trust and support is essential to the process – the same efforts apply here.  Get to know them personally.  At Studio 10 we have created a client questionnaire that asks everything from favorite adult beverage to most important room in the house and why.  We set the first meeting at their home which makes them feel important, personalized and tended to.  For the 2nd meeting we invite them to our beautiful showroom and tend to all their senses.  It will smell good, we’ll have eye candy for them to look at, and we’ll display their favorite drinks and snacks.  This helps the client feel special and catered to.
Find out about their kids, pets, hobbies and associations and show an authentic interest in who they are.  Being honest and transparent, even regarding the not-so-fun stuff, such as what you can expect in construction, helps to build the alliance.

Knowing the feelings that come up for folks who are in transition – something important to remember is that they might be moody and not trust you right away – don’t take it personal.  That can be a very normal initial response.  Being defensive will only create a barrior between you.  To find out what feelings or moods they are experiencing…it sounds simple…but just ask.  How has their day been thus far?  You’ll want to know if they couldn’t find a parking spot or had a rough parent-teacher conference prior to your appointment.  Taking that into consideration, you could alter your agenda for the meeting and revisit the missed topics on a day where they can be more present and engaged, therefore leading to effective and productive decision making.  If and when the client shares with you their emotional state “We are WAY behind schedule!!”  Normalize it.  “I understand your concerns, the stress at this phase is common, and yet I have seen this scenario before and here it how it comes together.”  Just feeling heard and validating will calm them down and reassure of them of the alliance. There is power in stories.  Share other client’s success stories with them.

In addressing indecisiveness, empowering them to make the final calls will be helpful in avoiding the 3 fears mentioned earlier.  Angela Artenies provides 5 ways to overcome indecisiveness that you can share with your clients:
1. Keep notes for a week on your feelings.  Don’t analyze – just write down.  After a week – where are you leaning?
2. Identify where you have the most resistance – this is usually due to an underlying fear or belief.  Naming the real fear is invaluable – normalize it and empower them.
3. Recognize you have the right to change your mind (control).  Encourage them to have what’s best for THEM, not what society, their friends, family, partner or ego thinks.
4. Stop taking life so seriously and allow self to go with the flow.  Have fun, laugh, humor has healing powers.  Having a playful attitude is attractive and approachable (which also builds the relationship)
5. Go within and do a visualization – I use this technique for everything.

Retention for the long haul Requires more than Satisfaction
According to the Keller Center research (Guo, Xiao, and Tang) we have to go an extra few steps further than providing client satisfaction.  Creating an experience where clients feel smart and in control can seal the deal for them to come back for many years to come (and to refer you to others!)  Some ways that we can do that are to balance being the expert with empowering them to tune into their knowledge and intuition.  Ask them often what they know, what they think, and what their gut is telling them.

Gretchen Rubin put together 7 tips for helping other people feel smart and insightful.
1. Take notes
2. Refer to a comment the client made earlier
3. If the person doesn’t finish their thought, ask them to pick it up again
4. Use the person’s name judiciously
5. Take note of evidence of their admirable qualities
6. Ask their advice
7. Take someone’s advice (you already know what their favorite restaurant is from the questionnaire – try it out – and have a discussion about it)

Hopefully there is some information here that provides insight into how to best serve your clients who are in transition.

Take care of yourselves and therefore each other,

XO brooke jean

Co-Parenting Post Divorce or Break Up… Helping Our Kids Thrive in the New Modern Family

I remember it like it was yesterday. I was 21 years old and getting a biopsy on my cervix due to my per-cancerous cells when out of the nowhere my gyno says in a very matter-of-fact voice, “Oh, we’ll have to postpone, you’re pregnant.” The room went fuzzy and I think I entered an altered reality for a moment, only to come back to the room due to the wrinkling sound of paper being thrown crumpled up.

I was in college and this was not part of the plan.  I knew immediately who the father was, we had been dating on and off for about three or four years, and I just imagined his reaction.  I went out to the waiting room crying and my Mom hugged me thinking I was upset due to the procedure (Hello!  Get ready for this news).  I whispered in her ear while we were embracing, “I’m pregnant.”  My best friend Sharon was also in the waiting room and to this day I am forever grateful to have had two strong amazing women in my presence in that moment.

And just like that I knew deep down inside I was going to have this baby and my life was about to change dramatically.  I made my first pre-natal appointment on my way out, still completely frozen in shock.

Throughout the pregnancy…life got real tough.  I was still in school and working both at a Mexican restaurant and then at an internship at Target.  Due to the events that unfolded with my baby daddy thereafter, I knew I was going to be a single Mom and that we were not going to make it as a couple or a family.  I was heartbroken, scared, embarrassed, and lonely.

I am not going to lie…those first couple of years of co-parenting were excruciating.  The mediation was devastating, as making a deal to share my son felt impossible, and yet I knew he needed his Dad just as much as he needed me.  His father and I would argue over parenting time, how to parent, and everything else under the sun.  We said hurtful things to each other during this period that shook our confidence as parents and that we now regret. We did not handle things great in the beginning.   And at the end of the day I felt like I was missing precious moments of my son’s life when he was not with me.  I felt like my world was falling apart.

Well…our son is now 12 going on 16 and his father and I are on the other side of the toughest part.  Although it’s not perfect, I believe we do a darn good job co-parenting and have found a way through all the pain to put our son first.  I wanted to share our learning’s to those of you just embarking on this journey, as I remember all too closely just how hopeless it can feel.  You are not alone.

 Here are a couple items to consider if you are part of the modern family:

1. Release yourself of the shame….I know I felt an incredible amount of shame for bringing my son into the world without the traditional family and as such a young mother.  I wondered if I jipped him of something really instrumental to his development.  Shame carries no benefit, only unnecessary weight.  Kids can thrive when they have at least one loving and nurturing parent they can attach to.  If they have both their parents in their life without the marriage..right on!

2. As much as you can, put your pain and personal feelings toward your ex aside as to avoid damaging a relationship between your child and their other parent.  All kids innately feel that their parents are good.  If you bad mouth their mother or father or make them believe their other parent is fatally flawed…they inherently believe they are fatally flawed.  They know they are the product of their parents, so in their minds how could they not be bad?

3. Build your ex up in regards to their ability to parent rather than tearing them down.  Being a new parent is extremely vulnerable.  We never really know if we are doing it right and there is already enough judgement in the world.  Telling your ex they are a bad parent is soul sucking, and cutting to the core and can damage their confidence as a parent.  If you need resources on parenting, reach out and learn, but don’t judge each other from the sidelines.

4. Go through mediation rather than a custody battle.  That two hours of mediation was so emotional for me, I cannot imagine what six months – six years of court would have done to me…which would have impacted my son.  As hard as it is, your kiddo needs both you and your ex and if he/ she witnesses your ability to work together, he/she will gain so much from that.  Plus, all that money you didn’t spend on attorneys you can put away for their college education.

5. Take time to connect and communicate with your ex…if for nothing else but to touch base on your child and get on the same page with parenting.  It is already really tough on kids to have two houses so having similar parenting styles (school stuff, rules, norms, diet, extracurricular priorities) will help them transition.  If both parents encourage the same study habits, eating habits, and play, your kiddo can build momentum.  It’s important to note that no matter how hard you try…you will NEVER parent exactly like your ex…or your new partner for that matter…and that’s OK.  The most important piece to consider is to avoid using your child as a communication tool to get to your ex.  “Tell your Dad….” is not their responsibility.  That puts them in the middle regardless of how innocent the message is.

6. Provide your child with a transition item and transition period.  Our son used to have two blankies he would take back and forth (he called them “Blankie” and “C-Guy”).  When he was little, the transition period was so tough for him.  There were even moments I would come to pick him up and HE WOULD RUN FROM ME!  If that wasn’t a shame trigger I don’t know what was. Is it NOT that they don’t love you, it’s just that they were settled into one space and having to move to another…so handle it with patience and try not to take it personally.  You may notice that their behavior is more challenging than usual the first day or two back at your house…this is normal.

7. This might not work for all…but embrace your ex’s new partner and try to spend some time together as one big blended modern family.  This can be brutal, BUT having an alliance with the new partner will provide you another contact keeping you in the loop and helping you raise your child.  Completely ignoring them means there is a part of your child’s life you are not privy to.  As my son was growing up, our big blended family would always spend Halloween together (and although some were a little crazy) I feel like it means a lot to the kids to have all their loved ones in one place on special occasions.  We sit together at his games and performances showing a united “TEAM CAMDEN” in the crowd.

8. Talk to your child often about what it is like emotionally for them to have two houses.  They will tell you.  Pretending it’s a non-variable can prevent them from sharing what they’re experiencing, good and bad.  This DOES NOT mean to interrogate your child on what your ex is doing and what goes on at the other house.  This puts your kiddo in the middle and they can sense the tension behind those questions.  Show empathy for their situation.  Eventually they may be able to verbalize both what’s tough about the blended family, and also what’s beneficial about the blended family.

9. Know that it gets easier.  The divorce or break up wound won’t always be this raw.  As we heal, we can embrace the concept of blended family and even find ways to appreciate it.  When I would get sad about my situation, I would remind myself that my son has 4 loving parents instead of 2…what a loved little dude.  I fell in love again and am married to an amazing man who adores my son and who also gets along with my ex.

As a big blended modern family…we are all in this together.   As long as we show love, acceptance, and guidance to our kids, while taking good care of ourselves and each other, we are providing more to our kids than what many receive.  Although it might not be going as planned, by embracing the glorious mess the universe handed me, I have felt such gratitude to have had my son – nothing in this world gives me more joy than him.  And he wouldn’t be as amazing as he is without the love and relationship he has with his father and step-parents.

Take care of yourselves and therefore each other,

XO brooke jean